Porsche Crumbles Amid Giant Loss
Due to CEO Wendelin Wiedeking’s failed effort to acquire VW, Porsche’s total 2009 loss came to an astounding €4,400,000,000, or $6,500,000,000. The number is incredible given that Porsche was the most prosperous car company a year earlier, and that Porsche is still an independent automobile manufacturer. (Though that will change as VW reverses the situation and takes a large stake in Porsche.) Looking at the Panamera, we’re not holding much hope for the once-proud German nameplate–but we are loving the new Boxster Spyder.
Sportec Unleashes SPR1; North Koreans Seek to Weaponize It
Swiss tuner Sportec is looking to make the SPR1 its starmaker in the tuner world. Besides trimming weight through composite panels (now under 3,000 lbs.) and adding a re-enforced cabin for protection, tuners have pushed the 997 Turbo’s 3.6 L flat-six to put out 858 hp. That extreme figure allows the SPR1 to hit sixty in three seconds and achieve a top speed of 236 mph.
According to CNN, the Sportec is so extreme that Swiss police have had to detain it upon hearing North Korean agents sought to stuff it full of uranium and ram through the DMZ.
Porsche to Fans: No New Sports Car–All Hail the Panamera!
Porsche execs have killed off rumors of a new sports car in the lineup. The blogged-of fifth model was to be an entry-level roadster priced below the Boxster–which made no sense since the Boxster is as base as a Porsche can get, while still being good. Instead, execs are fully promoting the visual monstrosity known as the Panamera and insisting enthusiasts ignore the unfavorable financial news which will probably kill CEO Wendelin Wiedeking’s career.
When asked about the decision to not pursue any new sports car development, Porsche USA rep Jan Fuckelbach went into a anti-Semitic tirade, blaming Stuttgart’s misfortune on “them Jews” and calling for the industry’s purification from “corrupting elements.”
Just kidding–Fuckelback is just some homeless guy we found walking by the Porsche dealership at Figueroa in Downtown.
Weekend Rant: Let Reason Prevail
So it seems Porsche’s CEO, Wendelin Wiedeking, is furious that people within his company are leaking info about its dire financial situation. It wasn’t long ago that Porsche was the most profitable enterprise in the business. Now that’s over, and Wiedeking is begging the German treasury to provide billions in emergency cash to save his company from bankruptcy.
All this chaos in just a few months. What a man.
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