Porsche to Fans: No New Sports Car–All Hail the Panamera!

Porsche execs have killed off rumors of a new sports car in the lineup.  The blogged-of fifth model was to be an entry-level roadster priced below the Boxster–which made no sense since the Boxster is as base as a Porsche can get, while still being good.  Instead, execs are fully promoting the visual monstrosity known as the Panamera and insisting enthusiasts ignore the unfavorable financial news which will probably kill CEO Wendelin Wiedeking’s career.

When asked about the decision to not pursue any new sports car development, Porsche USA rep Jan Fuckelbach went into a anti-Semitic tirade, blaming Stuttgart’s misfortune on “them Jews” and calling for the industry’s purification from “corrupting elements.”

Just kidding–Fuckelback is just some homeless guy we found walking by the Porsche dealership at Figueroa in Downtown.